Surrendering to the Waves

Another wave of healing and growth rolled in this week. I allowed myself to feel it and experience what it brought. Then I practiced my faith and trust in my path and process. When my tears began to dry, I learned something about myself that surprised me. 

At first I thought we were healing the usual abuse energies, but soon I realized that wasn’t it. We were healing and releasing something I didn’t realize I carried, shame. 

In recent years, as my life deconstructed, I would become angry with myself. Angry that I couldn’t make my life work. Angry that I couldn’t get my career going again. Angry that I couldn’t leave a relationship that had ended years before.

The emotion of anger wasn’t often expressed. It was more of an undercurrent in my life. The emotion that I felt and was most often expressed as a deep sadness. Regret for how my life had turned out. Fear of where it was going. The basis of it all was shame. 

I used to wonder where my fire had gone. I wondered why I couldn’t move forward. Shame underlying it all.

Meanwhile my spiritual life flourished. I found wonder in the new experiences and solace in my spiritual practices. Parts of my life were being expanded while others were being deconstructed. I focused on the new while allowing the old to fall away. 

My faith and trust in my path and process was like that proverbial bridge over troubled water. They were my life raft. They are my life raft.

This week as my life situation shifted, stormy seas began to threaten my housing situation, I held onto my faith and trust. I released what no longer served and affirmed my faith, trust, path, and purpose. 

And I surrendered.

I surrendered those parts of me that said that it was up to me to make things work out. I surrendered the need to push forward. I surrendered the part of me that said life had to be a certain way. And I surrendered the need to hold on to what was ready to leave my life. 

I do not control anyone or anything. I cannot make people change. Nor can I control other peoples’ paths. I can’t even control my own path. I have surrendered to my spiritual path. 

My life has been in a state of deconstruction for more than five years. Maybe this current moment feels difficult because I am at the end of deconstruction. And maybe it’s hard because we are ending the thing that’s been around the longest.

The signs are all around me. I am in alignment with my path and purpose. My life, at this moment, is what it is supposed to be. I am where I am supposed to be. The deconstruction of my life is aligned. I release shame and allow my life to fall apart.

As I write this a sense of peace is coming over me. I have no desire to figure it all out beyond what I’ve written here.

I have surrendered. My life is not my own. There are forces deconstructing and rebuilding. Destiny and Divine timing are at work. Spirit is at work. I surrendered to my spiritual path a while back, and I will continue to do so. 

I feel both vulnerable and at peace. Peace is good. 

I am choosing to put my full faith and trust in the deconstruction of my life. Because I know that the rebuilding began within me years ago. And I know that it is only a matter of faith and Divine timing until the rebuilding is made manifest in my life. 

I release shame. I release control. I release the fight against the natural flow of my life. I release the shame and blame.

I surrender to the Divine within me. I allow the Divine to work through me and rebuild my life.

And as I do so, I will be gentle and compassionate with myself.

Gratitude and Connection. 

During the deconstruction of my life, parts have flourished. One is my spiritual path; the other is this blog.

I am grateful to celebrate another record month. In September, nearly 28,000 pages were viewed. People from 110 countries visited! 

I am so very grateful you’re here. I love you. 

Be well, beautiful human, beautiful soul,

Nikki