Are We Being Tested or Are We Being Healed?

A Failed Test.

I can’t remember anything else about that day, but I will never forget what I did. Or rather, what I didn’t do. It is the only regret I have in my life. It was a test that I did not pass.

On my early morning commute, as I was walking to the train station, I saw movement. There was someone trying to hide themselves in the doorway of a building. They were very obviously in need of help. 

My entire being stiffened, I shut down, and I kept walking.

I remember thinking that if that was a test from Spirit, I failed it. 

There was nothing that I could do for them because I was unable to rise to the moment. I was unable to help. I was unable to put aside my own suffering to help someone else in need.

I have never forgotten that person, that dear one who needed help, the soul I left behind as I walked away. I never forgave myself for leaving them there in such a vulnerable state. If there are tests on our paths, that was mine. And I failed.

Re-Visiting Shame. 

One night this past week I came back to my room at the boarding house after a very long day. My body ached and my entire being was weary. I sat on the front stoop and watched a giant orange moon rise over the trees.

In the dark I heard something in the front yard. The dog had tipped over his water bucket. It was empty. I hadn’t checked on the dog for a couple of days and I was sure that no one else had either.

In my awareness, I saw the person in need of help in the doorway from years before.  

The dog was vulnerable at this moment. No water. Likely no food. I said to myself, “I am not suffering so much that I can’t help the vulnerable in my path.” 

As I was filling the dog’s food and water bowls, my awareness flared. I’m not the person I was when I left a vulnerable person in distress. I’ve changed. I am able to help others now. 

Watching his tail wag as he ate and drank was the best part of my day. He showed his appreciation with kisses. Emotions rose within me as I stayed with the dog for a while.

When I got back to my room, a flood of emotions rose within me. My soul spoke to me and said, “forgive yourself”. I cried big tears releasing shame and self-judgment. I forgave myself in the moment knowing that I may need to again and again.

Mercury retrograde carries this kind of energy. Re-visiting and releasing. I wrote about that recently not knowing the review that was coming for me.

Tested or Healed? 

So, are we being tested or are we being healed?

There are some spiritual people who don’t believe that we are being tested. That Spirit doesn’t use tests or that it seems like an outdated perspective. That testing implies that we are students in a classroom versus being on our spiritual path and one with all.

Maybe we aren’t being tested. Maybe it’s just part of the awakening process. Maybe it’s just how we heal and grow from those moments of regret in our lives. Or maybe Spirit takes what is within us - body, mind, heart, and soul - and tries to remove all that is blocking our spiritual path and blocking fulfillment of our purposes.

Knowing Spirit, and knowing my own spiritual process, I say it’s more likely that all answers are true. Each one of us has a unique life experience and unique path. Not only do we carry our own perspectives, but we also receive the experiences we need to move forward on our spiritual paths. 

If we perceive it as a test, it is a test. If it feels like healing and growth, that’s what it is. It is our experience to perceive and define. 

We co-create our path, our awakening process, our experience in this life. So, in that way, we get to define it - test, healing, growth, 

Regardless of how we define the experiences we have in life, they are ours. We get to have the experience we need. We get to change those definitions any time we want. We get to write our own stories and use the words that align with our perception. 

We get to decide if we are being tested or healed or both. We get to name the experiences that happen for us. So, it is entirely up to us to decide if we are being tested or being healed.

No matter how we describe it, the words we use define our experience. We define our experience. We co-create our spiritual awakening with our soul and Spirit. It's all part of our path. 

This time I passed the test and have begun healing my biggest regret.

Connection and Gratitude. 

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I am so very grateful you are here. I love you. 

Be well, beautiful human and soul,

Nikki