The hermit vibe is real. I took last week off and didn’t post a new blog. The call to go inward was stronger than the call to anything else in my life, including writing. My kundalini awakening inspired healing and I dove into the deep end.
Much of my spiritual awakening has been spent healing. It typically starts with a trigger to which I react, sometimes strongly. It’s those triggers, those tests, that show me what is available to heal. Being aware of what triggers us is just the beginning.
The work then begins with gently investigating the who, what, when, where, why of the trigger. I ask those questions without judgement. I ask to understand, to heal, and as an observer.
When the answers to those questions appear, it’s then that I can challenge my assumption, conditioning, or belief. I often ask, “Is that true?”. Is what I am believing about the situation, true? It may have been something I experienced in the past, but is it true based on what I believe and know now?
Lately, since my kundalini awakening, I’ve had less time to do this gentle exploration. I get triggered, react, and then my spirit guides send me someone to talk to. Either by way of mediumship or spirit guides, someone comes to aid in my healing. And, always, there are big, fat, juicy tears of release.
My dad came through for me the other day, maybe for the first time ever. The last time I saw him, I was fourteen. Many years later, I attended his memorial service weeks after his death. It took that long for his people to find his family. We were estranged, his alcoholism was his priority.
He came through for me in mediumship. I was shocked and realized that he had tried to come through before when I was channeling my mother-in-law. It was my dad’s painting with the pink flowers that matched the shirt I happened to be wearing that day. He was pointing to the colors as my mother-in-law, and I connected.
The day dad came through I had been triggered by a Dodo video about a dog that had recovered after being paralyzed. I was crying way too hard for a dog video. I was releasing something. After taking a long drink of iced tea, I found myself staring at his painting on the wall. It’s a still life of flowers in a brass jug, nothing extraordinary but I’ve always hung it in every place I’ve lived. That painting, a polaroid picture, and a necklace with my name on it, are the only things that I have that symbolize him for me.
When I found myself staring, entranced, my intuition guided me to ask, “Dad?”. He came with a message of love and release. He told me that I was loved and that he did the best he could. I continued to cry, wail really, those giant tears of release. He was assuring and told me the “why” of what was happening in my life.
I was shaken. The remainder of the day I spent resting, napping, trying to steady my energy. In my journal I wrote, “I am scrambled. Physically exhausted.” I will never forget that day.
The next day, I cried during meditation which meant I was still releasing and healing from my channeled experience with my dad. The morning continued as usual until I felt an energetic reverberation, a channel was opening. I was receiving a download and healing energy.
Then I remembered something that my mom would do when I was little. After a long day in the Phoenix heat, she would take my socks and shoes off, rub my little feet, and blow on them to cool them. A mom’s love in action. It is one of the best memories I have of my mom who passed decades ago.
I knew then that it was her. She told me that our visit was “not technically mediumship” since she is one of my spirit guides. I was to call her “mom spirit”. Our communication was clear and direct, and has since developed to include images, samples of songs, and humor.
Her initial message was, “Remember you have always been loved, even when you didn’t feel it.” The tears were flowing, and I began releasing the energy of believing that I had never been loved. “Keep repeating that to yourself. Know that you have always been loved. Every human being is loved by (source), no matter how forgotten or neglected.”
After releasing, I began clearing the karma of believing that I hadn’t been loved. My awakening was moving at a rapid pace, and I was releasing, and clearing as quickly as things came up for healing. Mom spirit then said, “You should buy stock in (a) tissue company.” Through my tears, I laughed from my belly as I looked at the pile of damp tissues beside me.
The rest of the conversation with mom spirit was about my siblings. It was coded and was a conversation that only the two of us could understand. Her final message to me was, “Remember, feel the love. Bye.” I rocked myself to self-soothe. The synchronistic numbers that followed, were frequent and supportive.
As I became calm again, I looked up at my laptop screen and found a video of Thich Nhat Hanh called, “How to Deal with Strong Emotions.” The synchronicity could not be denied. I watched the video and was reminded to be the observer of my emotions. I realize that I had identified as someone that had not been loved, that had been neglected. Suddenly, I became the observer of my emotions again. The relief was almost instantaneous. I found peace again.
For the rest of the day, I focused on self-care. I ate comfort food, journaled, spent time in my own energy, enjoyed a hot, salty, lavender-filled bath. I reminded myself that I had always been loved. I was loving myself and falling in love with myself again.
Moving Forward at Peace.
Big, fat, juicy tears have helped me release my deepest hurts and pains. My energy has come back into balance. Since these experiences with both my dad and mom spirit, I feel at peace. I also feel like I’m nearing the end of my awakening. I can’t tell you how or why, it just feels that way.
I have no idea what’s going to happen next, but today, I feel at peace. The hurts are falling away. The sun seems brighter, the grass greener, the flowers pinker. If this is the result of years of spiritual awakening, I am grateful.
Today’s image: On the left is a polaroid of my dad, it is the only picture that I have of him. On the right is a picture of me and my mom at my first wedding. I love seeing all the smiles together.