Ego Death, Dark Night, and Re-Birth

A drawing of the mythical phoenix rising over a background of smoke and ash.

Last Monday.

I wrote a different post last Monday. It was about how our spiritual awakenings are like traveling inward. I liked it, partially because it touched on my desire to travel, but when I woke up last Monday morning I was guided elsewhere.

I was guided to post about my current financial situation. It was filled with fear, pain, and lack mindset. As I was writing it, I kept checking in with my intuition. Over and over again I asked, “Is this what I’m supposed to post today?” Each time it was affirmed. I felt uncomfortable with it, but I followed my guidance.

Almost as soon as it was published, I felt…torn. Yes, it was the truth, an honest snapshot of my thoughts on my current situation. But it was full of low vibrations. It was dark and heavy, and in it I was sharing the worst of my thoughts.

It was a lightbulb moment for me though, I was asking for help. As someone who grew up in a toxic environment, asking for help is one of the hardest things for me to do. For a long time, I have leaned towards toxic independence. I don’t like asking for help, because so often throughout my life it opened me up to manipulation and ended in disappointment.

That was one lesson that I learned from that post, but often there are more. I gently investigated the emotions that were coming up for me. I realized that the post, while being authentic, wasn’t what I would have posted at all. I typically don’t write about my personal situation. I will write about my spiritual path and mystical experiences, but I don’t typically write about my own financial and material reality.

Then I realized that I had allowed myself to be guided to act against my authentic self. Instead, I should have used my own free will. I could have said, “No, I won’t post that.”, but I didn’t. I valued following guidance over my own values. It was a reminder that I have free will and discernment, and to use them.

Ego Death.

I was angry and unhappy with where my path had taken me. I began to cry and scream and rage at Spirit for this path. I wanted it to end, or to have a break. After allowing unexpressed emotions to flow, I found my way to calm again. The storm had passed.

We had an inner team meeting about who knew that we were holding onto to our emotions. We didn’t know it was there, but we knew why. We didn’t have anyone to share our deepest thoughts and emotions with. It’s all part of doing the work.

Next, I began releasing the energies that we had just moved through. I released doubts and fears, and everything negative that I had inside of me. All the emotions that came up were released. I released people, places, things, and energies that were no longer serving a purpose, or aligned with my Divine life path and soul purpose. I released everything and surrendered to my path.

I didn’t expect what happened next. Ego death. I felt empty and scattered. I felt detached from everything that I had been holding onto. Everything I was attached to, the way things should be, the way things aren’t, what I wanted to create, and who I am, was all gone. I was empty.

In that emptiness, I received messages of alignment. Through it all I was aligned with my Divine life path and soul purpose. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised, but I was. Another message came and the cycle closed, a major cycle ended.

Dark Night.

A dark night of the soul brought relief. I felt nothing and had nothing to feel. It’s been a long time since I had a dark night of the soul like this. In the past I would have feared what this emptiness meant, but now I know it is a cocoon of rest and transformation. The cycle of growth was moving very fast, and I was grateful for the rest.

I spent days resting and healing my body, mind, heart, and soul. Awaiting nothing. Just being. Going about my life as I normally would. Sitting in faith that everything I need, want, and desire will appear in Divine and perfect timing. Detached from pain and suffering of wanting things to be different, at peace. I felt free of suffering. I felt free from attachment.


After days of rest and treatment of my banged-up leg, I began to emerge from the dark night. Thoughts of how to move forward led me once again in a direction that didn’t feel right. I followed my thoughts for a while, and it led me away from myself. I shifted the energy as quickly as I was aware of it.

I then affirmed the dreams and wishes that I’ve been working on for a long time. Thoughts were replaced with loving affirmations. My vibration increased, and I found joy and peace. It began to feel like I was being re-birthed. Released from intense pressure into love and light.

After moving out of my head and into my heart and soul, things began to fall back into place. I sought guidance from spirit, and it catapulted me to new awareness. With new awareness I was able to begin moving forward again. This time in a direction that is aligned with my Divine life path and soul purpose.

We are preparing for me to go out into the world. It is a little scary after being a hermit for the past four years, but it won’t hold me back. I know that I am loved, supported, protected, and guided by my spirit team. With that support, I move forward with confidence and rise like the phoenix from the ashes of the past.

The image used was made in Canva. The mythological phoenix has been an important symbol for me throughout my spiritual awakening. It symbolizes how I feel about the past few weeks. Keep rising from the ashes of the past, beautiful soul.

I’m grateful you’re here. I love you.

Be well, beautiful soul,