Coming Clean

It’s time. Time to end what I called my “double life”. I felt it this weekend when things in the house began to bubble over and I stepped into a leadership role. That is my authentic self. That is the version of me that I need to be to feel like myself. It's time to come clean.

Spirit and soul agree. They have guided me to write this post. Guided me to share myself here on the blog. They are asking me to reveal myself more fully. Not just my spiritual life, but they also want me to share my personal life. The part of me that I rarely, if ever, share here on the blog. 

Rejection is Protection and Redirection.

On this strange deconstruction journey that my life has taken this past 13 months, I have not been alone. There was someone else with me on the path. The person that I have been trying to escape from for ten years, my husband of 29 years. 

My spiritual awakening began because I was trying to begin a new life, leave him, and create a life that I loved. It has all taken me so long and I have kicked and screamed at Spirit and soul to get me out of this situation. But now I see that I had so much to learn from this challenging marriage, and Spirit and soul wanted me to learn it all.

For a long time I was angry about my life situation. Still being with someone that I had identified as my narcissistic abuser. I was angry that all the inner work I had done had seemingly amounted to nothing. But I get it now that it was all for my own protection. 

That whole rejection is protection and redirection thing is real. While Spirit and soul were supporting me spiritually and emotionally, I was being supported materially. I was being prepared to be on the path that I was meant for. 

That’s where I am now. Where Spirit and soul want me to be. Where I am meant to be. Where I am needed. But that doesn’t make it easy. 

My husband has experienced health challenges for the past year. He has recently become disabled and we are beginning to navigate social security and other programs that will help him live a healthy life. That means, that by default and to do the right thing, I have become a full time care giver. A role that I never imagined as a possibility for my life.

I used to be so angry. Angry that for all that I have done, I am still in this relationship that offers me nothing in the way of spiritual and emotional support. But now I understand that this is where I am meant to be for now and that I am supported spiritually, emotionally, and materially by Spirit and soul. 

My Birthday Season. 

It was my birthday recently. In the past I would have raged about still being in this marriage, still dealing with his manipulation and abuse, and still not able to be who Spirit and soul have grown me to be. Not this time. 

I have learned to accept my current role as care giver. I manage medication, appointments, paper work, errands, shopping, cooking, cleaning, personal care and all that is needed. A nurse comes three times a week and I could not be more grateful to have their help with medical needs.

Maybe it was the acceptance of my role and where I am in life, or maybe it was all the planets in my Sun sign, but my birthday was 100% better than I expected. But in truth, I expected nothing and I never would have imagined what happened. 

It started with a waterfall of abundance. I found another mobile food pantry in my neighborhood. It was close enough to push my husband in his wheelchair and give him some time outdoors and time with people. 

We found our place in the first line and waited for our turn to go through to the food lines. The people were friendly except for the guy who told us the wrong line and then cut in front of about 30 people. 

After checking our registration, we were assisted by someone with a cart so that we, with me pushing my husband in his wheelchair, had all the assistance we needed. The first table had fresh vegetables. I was handed carrots, celery, radishes, a head of lettuce, and a bag of potatoes. What a blessing to get fresh vegetables. 

The next table had boxes of big, beautiful strawberries. I hadn’t had fresh fruit in months and the emotions rose within me fast and strong. I cried happy tears when I was handed two big boxes of the best strawberries I had seen in a long time. I thanked the volunteers for the strawberries that felt like a birthday gift and received birthday wishes in return. 

Once back at the house and putting away the abundance of food that we were blessed with, another blessing walked in the door. One of our housemates brought more food from another pantry. We shared our abundance with each other. He brought more lettuce and I gave him peppers and some of the strawberries. 

After all food was put away, more abundance came walking in the door from the most unexpected place, my landlord. She came with bags and bags of food. Meats, bags of rice and beans, oranges, apples, and more strawberries. The next day, my birthday, she came back with flowers, a cake, and a small gift. 

In truth, I was and still am overwhelmed by the sudden influx of abundance. The week before my birthday Spirit and soul had been showing me all the ways I was abundant. They had been guiding me to create delicious meals out of the meager food that I had available. I was grateful to be guided to see my abundance. Then, as my birthday neared, I was shown even more abundance. 

This year my birthday felt like a celebration of abundance. I had accepted my role at this time in my life. I surrendered the fight and accepted that this is where I am meant to be. This is where Spirit and soul want me and my influence. This is where I am meant to be. My bank account may be empty but my heart, soul, and pantry are full.

It was the acceptance that brought the abundance. It was me investing my energy into the house, into the partner that needs my help, into the people that need my help, that allowed all abundance to flow to me. Gratitude is all that remains within me.

Coming Clean. 

This is who I am. This is the double life that I am coming clean about. I kept my private life private in hopes that I would leave my husband and begin a new life of my own. That hasn’t happened, but I have learned to accept it. 

I have learned to accept my life as it is. I have learned to move through the open door even when it isn’t what I expected. And I have learned that I can have a positive impact no matter where I am, which honors my value of leaving things better than when I found them. 

This is my life and this is who I am. The double life is gone. This is who I choose to show up as on this blog, my true authentic self with the life that I find myself living now. 

Connection and Gratitude. 

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I am so very grateful you’re here. I love you.

Be well, beautiful human and soul,

Nikki